In October 2018, I was diagnosed with a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Didn’t surprise me at all. (side note: these disorders are so so so common. I know I am not special with having this disorder.) My obsessive, intrusive, and ridiculous thoughts and actions made it clear that I struggled with some type of mental illness. It just took a Doctor to confirm it. Within minutes, I was prescribed anti depressants. I was relieved to finally have something else to help me because I was tired of feeling insane. I actually probably needed to get this help a long time ago, but it took me screaming and crying (aka having a meltdown) towards my boyfriend (now husband) on his birthday to make me realize how shitty I was being towards myself and everyone around me.
Fast forward. I’m on the meds for a year and they did help certain aspects of my life. But one major downfall was that the medicine made me hungry. When being anxious, I don’t have much of an appetite and I like it that way because that’s how I keep my weight down. SO being on the meds made me happier in some parts of my life, but then it made me so upset that I was hungry all the time. Like my stomach was always growling. And I was always thinking about dessert. So in October 2019, I decided to go off the meds because I felt as if I was happy again and I wanted to get skinnier.
LOTS and lots of change happened in my life between October 2019 and January 2020. I’ll save that info for another post. But long story short, I hit a bad bad bad depression in January. I was in a horrible headspace and knew I needed to get on the meds again. So I broke out the bottle of Lexapro in my dresser and started taking them. I felt a lot more calm and happy.
But now, here we are today, in the middle of a pandemic and I chose to go off the meds because I can’t lose weight. I guess I want to be miserable and skinny, rather than happy with a few extra pounds. I’m ridiculous.
Life is hard. But it’s short. We’re literally little human beings on a floating rock in space. Like wtf? Can’t take that too seriously. I’ll be documenting my mental health journey, as well as sprinkle some lifestyle content on this blog. It’s basically my diary that I’m willing to share it with the world if that means someone can relate to it or find some value.
Stay tuned for my next post.
Alli